Eeeee! My corset is finally here!! It's gorgeous! Pictures to come soon :D

Ugh. I'm feeling very moody these days.

Listening to the Twilight soundtrack doesn't really help :P Sarah Beth wasn't able to make it tonight, so I think I'm going to clean. The house desperately needs it and I desperately need some clean clothes.

Feeling very introspective tonight. A little down, maybe a bit angry. This isn't a bad thing mind you, as it tends to bring on creativity.

Meanwhile, here's the skirt pictures I promised, paired with my new BDSS sweater.

Tonight is not a good night. I'm down. I'm tired. I'm sick and I'm just...not willing to participate in the way things can be sometimes. Sleep for me I think. Start over tomorrow.

I just announced the moment of silence for EODC, only to have some asshats argue that it should be a different time. Then when I made the announcement, they continued to speak. Ugh.

My dad used to tell me a story about my grandfather. He signed up to go to war in WWII. He snuck into the military, despite being completely deaf in one ear and mostly deaf in another. He fooled everyone til about the week before his deployment. His supervisor was walking behind him when they came up to an officer of much higher rank. Grandpa’s supervisor introduced the officer, and told my grandpa to show proper respect. Unfortunately, because the man was behind him, he couldn’t read his lips, and merely smiled at the high ranking officer and continued on his way past him. When reprimanded, they discovered his deafness and he was given a dishonourable discharge for lying to the government about his ability to serve his country.

He was so very disappointed that he couldn’t go abroad to fight for Canada. Instead, he served his country in a different way by working for the railway.

Today we honour all of those who went to war. Those who were lost, and those who came home. I can finally find some sense of pride in my work knowing that I work for a company that makes tanks stronger, that helps to bring our soldiers home. I’d rather they not be gone in the first place, but at least I can say that I work for a company that helps that little bit to keep them safe.

I truly hope and pray that we never have another war like WWI or WWII. I pray with all of my heart.

Looks like everyone had a really good time last night. I wish I had gone, but in the end it's for the best. I'm sick as a dog today so I think last night would have made this so much worse, which is something I can't afford right now. I need to be able to be there for Mum. I don't have time for sick.

There's always next year.

Should not be here. I'm exhausted, in both body and mind. Shouldn't have driven here either. I'm shakey. I'm exhausted and everyone tells me that I look like ass.

It's only a half day. I'll probably feel better in a bit.

Every wednesday evening, something happens that triggers this deep aching hurt in my chest.

Three weeks. Three weeks he's been gone. Tonight it was triggered by calling the house in Orleans and having his voice answer me. The voicemail message still hasn't been changed.

Talked to both Tracy and Mum tonight. It was great to hear both their voices. Thinking I'm going to be in Orleans this weekend to paint, but we'll see.

I want to be doing better than I am. I am worse than I seem...though only sometimes. Other times, I'm genuinely ok. It's hard to tell the difference, save for the ache.

The scary part is, it still hasn't really hit me. Not really. I still don't really believe it. I also can't believe it's been so long already.

When I feel this, the clouds, darkness and the urge to literally ball up, I want to run away from everything. I desperately want to stay home from work tomorrow. I want to skip my Intro to Weaving class I've been so looking forward to. I want to avoid boys. Pets. Family. I want to disappear into my self and my own sadness.

How selfish and yet, part of me so desperately wants to take another day for me.

First, heehee:

Halloween Meme

attheendofapen tries to pick up Phantom Hitchhikers

de_wynken runs around screaming for hours until abruptly silenced by yin_dreams, wielding a sharpened gerbil

drama_cween puts apples in your razorblades

lokiian summons the undead armies of de_wynken to steal your candy

mailei shows up with burning torches, pitchforks and dip

moria73 swoops on attheendofapen and drains their pumpkin

nahmo TPs your Bank Manager's lunchbox

potbelly13 creates an unholy monstrosity from mailei, sylvanfae and lokiian

rowen_berry eats nahmo's spicy, spicy brains.

sevenravens haunts your candy

sheyrena calls lokiian to let them know the psycho killer's in Iowa

syianna puts fake eyeballs in your Wings Greatest Hits

sylvanfae dresses up as drama_cween

xquantumx gives you a toothbrush

yin_dreams TPs potbelly13

LJ Name

Secondly, I'm home from work. Lack of sleep, nightmares, too much trazadone and a lovely migraine... I was not up for another day of training Sylvie, the living incarnation of all the girls I used to dislike in highschool.

Anger phase, I guess. Not what I expected. I thought it meant I had to be angry at Dad, or angry at the world or god for taking him away from me. I'm not. Of that I'm sad, but accepting. No, instead I'm angry at those that want too much from me, or those that don't that don't give me enough (understanding, time, help in the kitchen). I'm angry at people who want me to just move on. I'm angry at people who want me to be fragile and "weak"

I have this big ball of heat in my body, somewhere between my stomach and my throat. It's a sick feeling. I just want to emotionally vomit over anyone who will listen. I so desperately want understanding. I want someone to hold my hand and tell me it's ok, but only on my terms. God forbid they hold it too long, or not long enough. This isn't fair to anyone, certainly not myself. I just want to feel normal again. I just want to get back on my horse.

And I don't want to push people away from me, but I feel smothered if they are too close. I am at a loss.

Listening to Johnny Cash. I can hear my daddy's gravelly voice singing along.

Video.

You can run on for a long time
Run on for a long time
Run on for a long time
Sooner or later God'll cut you down
Sooner or later God'll cut you down

Go tell that long tongue liar
Go and tell that midnight rider
Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back biter
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down

Well my goodness gracious
let me tell you the news
My head's been wet with the midnight dew
I've been down on bended knee
talkin' to the man from Galilee
He spoke to me in the voice so sweet
I thought I heard the shuffle
of the angel's feet
He called my name
and my heart stood still
When he said, "John go do My will!"

Go tell that long tongue liar
Go and tell that midnight rider
Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back biter
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down

You can run on for a long time
Run on for a long time
Run on for a long time
Sooner or later God'll cut you down
Sooner or later God'll cut you down

Well you may throw your rock
and hide your hand
Workin' in the dark against your fellow man
But as sure as God made black and white
What's down in the dark
will be brought to the light

You can run on for a long time
Run on for a long time
Run on for a long time
Sooner or later God'll cut you down
Sooner or later God'll cut you down

Go tell that long tongue liar
Go and tell that midnight rider
Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back biter
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut you down
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut you down
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut you down

Still can't make a real post.

In the meantime, here's some info for those interested:

You can find the obituary in the Ottawa Citizen or online here

It has also been sent to the Campbellton Tribune and will be posted in the next edition.

The Viewing will be Sunday, the 28th of September from 1-4pm at Kelly's Funeral Home at 2370 St. Joseph Blvd. (Orleans). For those attending please note that there is two Kelly Funeral Homes on St. Joe's. We will not be at the Heritage location, but rather the location beside the Giant Tiger further down.

The funeral will be held in the chapel of the Funeral Home, at the same location, Monday the 19th of September at 10am.


There is a Legacy page set up for him here. I've only worked on it this morning, so there will be more up soon. Please let me know if I have the wrong information for pictures. I am going by memory and Dad's notes.

There is also another guest book provided by the Ottawa Citizen here

There will be a guest book at the Viewing and Funeral as well.

If you have any questions, feel free to message me or whatever. I'm around, I'm just not ready to really talk yet.

Around 9am this morning, my father, John Robert Bruce Sutherland died of a heart attack. It was instant and painless.

I will post funeral and wake details as they become available.

Goodbye Daddy. I love you so much.

The Body Shop has a whole Amber line right now for the fall! It's limited edition though, so act fast!

Erk. Well, that's interesting. Corey Carter, Rebecca's exboyfriend from highschool, the guy that got me into underage drinking and partying, the guy that tried to kill my good friend Sandy when Sandy and Beck started dating, the guy that threw me into a brick wall when I tried to stop him from killing sandy just tried to add me as his friend on Facebook. Now, seeing as how he isn't 15 anymore, I'm talking to him a bit and giving him a chance to be civil. I'm curious as to why he's suddenly interested in talking again. Well, my best friend from those days, Siobhan, has added him, so maybe he's not so bad anymore.

Wierd.

Ooooh, for my fellow sewing friends. Fabricland is having a sale from the 15th to the 30th. Specifically, if you are one of their club members, you save 50% off everything the weekend of the 18th. WOO! Hello Halloween shopping! :D I may be able to afford to make my own 25 yard skirts for my costume! :D

Ugh. I feel like an idiot this morning. With the craziness of the past week, a shipment was forgotten and stored away in the secure room behind my desk. I should have verified it went out and now the supplier is pissed. It was supposed to be sent out last Monday. Instead, it's been sitting in the secure room with it's documentation all set to go.

*headdesk*

So, lately I've been thinking about my financial situation and it's been stressing me out. I owe a hefty amount on credit cards (evil things, those) and I have this dental situation to deal with. I expect it could cost me upwards towards 10,000 to get everything sorted out.

It just occured to me that I could take out a personal line of credit from my bank, pay off my debt and have the cash to do my teeth at a much lower interest rate than what I'm paying on my CCs. I talked to my parents about it and now just need to sit Pat down and see what he thinks. I'd much rather pay one amount at a low interest rate than try to keep on top of my CCs and try to come up with the cash for my teeth. Urg.

A personal line of credit. Such a grown up thing. scary.

Erk...that was awkward. One of the boys I used to party with in early early highschool just got a job here. Oh, Joey Stone. You were so dreamy when I was 15 and drunk. Amazingly, you're still pretty cute.

I promise I'll reply to all comments tomorrow. Today, I'm crazy busy. Just got out of the shower. Yesterday, I helped Owen, Grey and Mike move into their new place. Just go thom this afternoon. Now, I have to bake some cookies and a cake before heading over to Rick and Kina's for Stacie's birthday party

Meantime, BPAL Review:

The Torture Queen: White amber, vanilla musk, white tea, ambergris, gardenia, and chrome. Gardenia is headvy in this one, along wih the musk, tea and chrome. Sort of a shiney and white scent, floral. Interesting, but I don't think I'm keeping it. My friend Tracy liked it alot so it may be a gift for her :)

The Illustrated WomanSkin musk, smoky vanilla, pine pitch, patchouli, Indian resins, golden honey, and tobacco. Mmmmm, this is gorgeous. I think I'll need a bottle. It's smoky, resiny and rich. Gorgeous. I'm kind of surprised at how strong the musk is. It's a little offputting, but in an intriguing way.

Hand of Glory:Beeswax, dry leather, black pepper, saltpeter, nutmeg, Mysore sandalwood, and oak bark.

AshlultumBabylonian musk, vanilla tea, tonka, tobacco, coconut, hyssop, and lilac

Bored and kind of down today, so here comes some BPAL reviews to cheer me up. I have a ton of stuff to go through!

Today:
Knucklebones: Black musk, bay rum, lime fougere, orange blossom water, gin, and tobacco. On me, It's musk, rum, tobacco and a whole lot of chemically perfumed cleaning products. PASS! Anyone want it?

Shruken Heads:Leather tanned with the pulp of Amazon ferns and rainforest herbs Dryer sheets. *sigh*

Death Adder: Snake Oil with vetiver, black coconut, vanilla, and opoponax Mmmm, my precious. This is gorgeous. Dark, warm, rich and velvety. Love it.

The Blockhead:Rusted metal, leather, and a pop of pink bubblegum. This is so wierd! It's exactly like the description says. I really enjoy it, and feel kind of tdark and twisty for saying that